When I Was Nine

I have 7 days. Again. I already fought this. Now here I am again.
[…update: Last week I was told I have 7 days. Yesterday I was told I have 15 days to get a note. (My doctor won’t write one.) Today I was told I have no days even if any doctor would write one, but that I’m to apply for a leave of absence. If you have healthy, respectable jobs that do not require a mask or covering over faces or heads, please send a message. I’m looking for a job to help provide for my family. Thank you.]

For some insanity reason… when did people not become “enough” to speak for ourselves? I am so exhausted of people telling other people that they aren’t enough. It happens every day in all kinds of ways.

If I can’t find a doctor (…or legal professional or counselor or policeman or preacher or scientist) to write a note saying I am not able to wear a mask or face shield or anything else over my face then I have 7 days and my employer said I likely won’t have a job.

I wish I knew the law to be able to write for myself.

I feel helpless all over again.

There are things that happened to me when I was younger. Because of 7 years of molestation starting when I was 9 years old and rape that happened 4 times between the ages of 15 (the year the molestation stopped, by the way) and age 23 I am not able to wear something over my face.

It sounds so clinical when I see it written in a couple sentences like that.

Almost like it wasn’t a lifetime of a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

But it’s not insignificant.

It’s my life.

Some people say that everything that happened to you in life is a result of your choices but that’s just a cover for their ignorance because they are trying to place blame and trying to feel better about something in your life that they don’t know what to do with. This harmful way of thinking just adds weight on top of already impossible, heavy situations.

I’m not as sure what to think about “stranger danger” but I’m very alert now to to classmate, boyfriend, extended family, church friends, and co-worker awareness.

Some choices are made for you.

And what you do with those circumstances is what will show what you’re made of and who you are (and also Whose you are.)

It is clear that after talking with my current doctor, although he, himself, is not wearing something over his face for his shifts at work and neither do his employees, he isn’t helping in this. But even if he was wearing something over his face for hours it’s likely he isn’t fighting the same battles if the same kinds of things that happened to me didn’t happen to him.

Even so, some similar things affect different people differently.

Why the world tries to fit us all into one tiny box doesn’t make sense. God is wise enough to have created us each in such incredibly unique ways.

People try to measure each other and compare each other and judge and decide each other’s life…

That’s not what we are supposed to be doing; comparing.

What a terrible way to spend this life; measuring people.

What even is that? It’s not from God.

My 17 year marriage has ended because of things I need to write some other time. In fact, when I look back it never started. If you don’t know about narcissistic abusive relationships – because of enduring one – then you won’t understand no matter what I say anyway. But if you have endured one (maybe more) of these, then you are not alone. There are thousands who will understand. Email me. I see you. And I will pray with you for help.

The child support ends this month and I need a job where I can focus and don’t feel absolutely terrified for having my face covered. My health insurance apparently was just turned off by my former husband on top of all the other things going on.

This looks hopeless.

I will admit…. Everywhere I turn it looks hopeless.

I’ve been at this place called hopeless before.

But our God is so big.

I know NONE of what’s going on right now is a surprise to Him.

He gives hope.

And my kids and I have seen Him provide time after time.

My heart rate and tears and shaking body from the anxiety of trying to work with my face covered are enough to make me throw up. I just cannot do it.

People don’t know what they don’t know.

Praise God that He extends grace to us to give to others even when they speak out of ignorance.

And people who find some things tougher than others ….well that doesn’t mean people (like me) are weaker in some way. In fact, if I wasn’t as tough as I am I wouldn’t have made it this far in this world.

I am constantly reminded that our prayers need to be about soft hearts and to be Warriors.

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. Matthew 10:16

Please would you just lift my family up in prayer right now?

I’ll wait here.

Even though my small paycheck isn’t much it’s been able to help us have a place to live. We are okay moving (and we believe we are soon) but I’ve also prayed a lot and searched a lot about apartments and houses to rent and that has only proven to cost more.

I’m constantly asking, seeking, and knocking.

I am praying to work online and in people’s lives every day to help others out of similar situations as my kids and I have known. This has already been happening and I’m praying for it on another level. We do believe are to be packing in faith to move into a trailer and on to Alaska soon.

If you build travel trailers or trucks or believe in this ministry we feel called to of offering safety to girls who need to get out of sex-trafficking and into safe places to live and new jobs and new hope, then please email me.

I have some in common with sex-trafficked survivors. So to go walk through life beside people who have been through some things seems not so far out of an idea. I know that God uses ALL things for good for those who love Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 (My favorite Verse when I was a little girl – such a long time ago.)

We are praying for a new truck and travel trailer and the ferry ride to move from Washington to Alaska to build tiny homes for people to stay in for a while to be able to breathe and begin healing. Also if you pray and you feel you can help build the tiny homes, please email me. itisallaboutfaithblog@gmail.com

As silly as that may sound …. All I know is God gives dreams and visions. And God rewards faith.

Please pray for us.

Prayer is where IT’S at.

I’m weary from fighting battles that I wish with all my heart I didn’t have to fight.

I feel like I’ve been fighting the same fight for air that started when I was 9.

Or at least I became aware of this battle when I was 9.

Though it started way before that as the enemy calculated the ways to try to end my life.

EVEN SO I will still be praising my God in the middle of it all. Out loud – because He is my God.

This world is not my Home. I am just passing through.

Hey Beautiful Survivor,

If you’re still reading this, I see you.

And the things you have endured (and maybe never even said out loud) are some things that others probably wouldn’t have endured.

You are so important and if you weren’t then this life wouldn’t feel so very impossible.

The enemy is SO AFRAID of what you can become in Jesus.

You want to make this a fight of flesh and blood. But it’s not. It’s spiritual with the powers of darkness.

The enemy is AFRAID OF what YOU can truly become. -the movie King’s Faith

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

It’s a very good time to stay in prayer and fight on your knees. You are not alone.

No friend can open a door that God has closed to redirect you.

But no enemy can close a door that God opens for you.

[Author Note:

If you have anything negative to say here then go away and click the “unfriend button.”

I am needing prayers and support and empathy.

If you don’t have those to offer please go away. I’m learning that finding who is for me and who is against me is a blessing in disguise. It is okay for you to go.]

 

2 thoughts on “When I Was Nine

  1. I am praying for you and your girls. I was listening to this message this morning and it really touched me. I know that it seems impossible to overcome the anxiety and the fear from years of terrible abuse. I cannot comprehend how hard that is, I cannot. But I also know, that it is not God’s will for you to stay imprisoned by other people’s choices that terrorized you and hurt you so deeply. God can use your testimony and release your from the chains of it. I pray peace, for a renewed sense of hope, and for clear direction and vision. I know that when you are ready, God is going to reveal to you how much he already healed in you and how you can handle a mask and more, but until you are ready, there is grace and a new job for you. I love you and admire your faith and courage.

    Tanya

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Tanya.
      I have overcome a lot and see how God’s been using this all since a long time ago. I do see that God heals and uses all things for good as He says He does. I’m not sure that it’s a healthy idea for anyone to be wearing masks but I hear what you’re saying.
      Thank you for being here and I pray God surrounds you with His blessings.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s