When I Was Nine

I have 7 days. Again. I already fought this. Now here I am again.
[…update: Last week I was told I have 7 days. Yesterday I was told I have 15 days to get a note. (My doctor won’t write one.) Today I was told I have no days even if any doctor would write one, but that I’m to apply for a leave of absence. If you have healthy, respectable jobs that do not require a mask or covering over faces or heads, please send a message. I’m looking for a job to help provide for my family. Thank you.]

For some insanity reason… when did people not become “enough” to speak for ourselves? I am so exhausted of people telling other people that they aren’t enough. It happens every day in all kinds of ways.

If I can’t find a doctor (…or legal professional or counselor or policeman or preacher or scientist) to write a note saying I am not able to wear a mask or face shield or anything else over my face then I have 7 days and my employer said I likely won’t have a job.

I wish I knew the law to be able to write for myself.

I feel helpless all over again.

There are things that happened to me when I was younger. Because of 7 years of molestation starting when I was 9 years old and rape that happened 4 times between the ages of 15 (the year the molestation stopped, by the way) and age 23 I am not able to wear something over my face.

It sounds so clinical when I see it written in a couple sentences like that.

Almost like it wasn’t a lifetime of a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

But it’s not insignificant.

It’s my life.

Some people say that everything that happened to you in life is a result of your choices but that’s just a cover for their ignorance because they are trying to place blame and trying to feel better about something in your life that they don’t know what to do with. This harmful way of thinking just adds weight on top of already impossible, heavy situations.

I’m not as sure what to think about “stranger danger” but I’m very alert now to to classmate, boyfriend, extended family, church friends, and co-worker awareness.

Some choices are made for you.

And what you do with those circumstances is what will show what you’re made of and who you are (and also Whose you are.)

It is clear that after talking with my current doctor, although he, himself, is not wearing something over his face for his shifts at work and neither do his employees, he isn’t helping in this. But even if he was wearing something over his face for hours it’s likely he isn’t fighting the same battles if the same kinds of things that happened to me didn’t happen to him.

Even so, some similar things affect different people differently.

Why the world tries to fit us all into one tiny box doesn’t make sense. God is wise enough to have created us each in such incredibly unique ways.

People try to measure each other and compare each other and judge and decide each other’s life…

That’s not what we are supposed to be doing; comparing.

What a terrible way to spend this life; measuring people.

What even is that? It’s not from God.

My 17 year marriage has ended because of things I need to write some other time. In fact, when I look back it never started. If you don’t know about narcissistic abusive relationships – because of enduring one – then you won’t understand no matter what I say anyway. But if you have endured one (maybe more) of these, then you are not alone. There are thousands who will understand. Email me. I see you. And I will pray with you for help.

The child support ends this month and I need a job where I can focus and don’t feel absolutely terrified for having my face covered. My health insurance apparently was just turned off by my former husband on top of all the other things going on.

This looks hopeless.

I will admit…. Everywhere I turn it looks hopeless.

I’ve been at this place called hopeless before.

But our God is so big.

I know NONE of what’s going on right now is a surprise to Him.

He gives hope.

And my kids and I have seen Him provide time after time.

My heart rate and tears and shaking body from the anxiety of trying to work with my face covered are enough to make me throw up. I just cannot do it.

People don’t know what they don’t know.

Praise God that He extends grace to us to give to others even when they speak out of ignorance.

And people who find some things tougher than others ….well that doesn’t mean people (like me) are weaker in some way. In fact, if I wasn’t as tough as I am I wouldn’t have made it this far in this world.

I am constantly reminded that our prayers need to be about soft hearts and to be Warriors.

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. Matthew 10:16

Please would you just lift my family up in prayer right now?

I’ll wait here.

Even though my small paycheck isn’t much it’s been able to help us have a place to live. We are okay moving (and we believe we are soon) but I’ve also prayed a lot and searched a lot about apartments and houses to rent and that has only proven to cost more.

I’m constantly asking, seeking, and knocking.

I am praying to work online and in people’s lives every day to help others out of similar situations as my kids and I have known. This has already been happening and I’m praying for it on another level. We do believe are to be packing in faith to move into a trailer and on to Alaska soon.

If you build travel trailers or trucks or believe in this ministry we feel called to of offering safety to girls who need to get out of sex-trafficking and into safe places to live and new jobs and new hope, then please email me.

I have some in common with sex-trafficked survivors. So to go walk through life beside people who have been through some things seems not so far out of an idea. I know that God uses ALL things for good for those who love Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 (My favorite Verse when I was a little girl – such a long time ago.)

We are praying for a new truck and travel trailer and the ferry ride to move from Washington to Alaska to build tiny homes for people to stay in for a while to be able to breathe and begin healing. Also if you pray and you feel you can help build the tiny homes, please email me. itisallaboutfaithblog@gmail.com

As silly as that may sound …. All I know is God gives dreams and visions. And God rewards faith.

Please pray for us.

Prayer is where IT’S at.

I’m weary from fighting battles that I wish with all my heart I didn’t have to fight.

I feel like I’ve been fighting the same fight for air that started when I was 9.

Or at least I became aware of this battle when I was 9.

Though it started way before that as the enemy calculated the ways to try to end my life.

EVEN SO I will still be praising my God in the middle of it all. Out loud – because He is my God.

This world is not my Home. I am just passing through.

Hey Beautiful Survivor,

If you’re still reading this, I see you.

And the things you have endured (and maybe never even said out loud) are some things that others probably wouldn’t have endured.

You are so important and if you weren’t then this life wouldn’t feel so very impossible.

The enemy is SO AFRAID of what you can become in Jesus.

You want to make this a fight of flesh and blood. But it’s not. It’s spiritual with the powers of darkness.

The enemy is AFRAID OF what YOU can truly become. -the movie King’s Faith

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

It’s a very good time to stay in prayer and fight on your knees. You are not alone.

No friend can open a door that God has closed to redirect you.

But no enemy can close a door that God opens for you.

[Author Note:

If you have anything negative to say here then go away and click the “unfriend button.”

I am needing prayers and support and empathy.

If you don’t have those to offer please go away. I’m learning that finding who is for me and who is against me is a blessing in disguise. It is okay for you to go.]

 

People Cannot Give What They Don’t Have

Some people don’t have peace to offer you.

Some people have the opposite of love, joy, or peace…. I have something to say about this and you might like it. Give yourself room to think about this for a few minutes.

Instead of

Love, Apathy
(Instead of love, you feel neglected by people who don’t have love to give. If someone doesn’t know God he or she doesn’t know love. God is love. He says so.)

Instead of Joy, some choose Misery
(These are people who are complaining constantly about nothing and everything.)

Peace, Disharmony
(These may be people you meet or know who are agitated and angry at you or at the world and they are taking it out on you. There’s nothing resolved because they will not help find peace. They don’t have peace to offer.)

Patience, Intolerance
(People who are rushing you and pushing you then punishing you for your choices would be found in this category. And watch for body language because if it looks and feels like you’re not important to them, then listen better because you’re probably not. You are worth being cherished. Jesus says so.)

Kindness, Hostility
(This would be like when you can feel the heavy air in the room that makes you feel like you might vomit.)

Instead of Goodness, hearts are filled with Corruption
(Goodness is a Fruit of The Spirit. People who do not have goodness are often wicked and cruel. They do not show you or your feelings respect. Contrary to too many messages you’ve heard, you are worth respect.)

Gentleness, Hardness
(People who choose to say mean things and “jokes” that are cutting down instead of building you -and others- up are not filled with gentleness. And if you say you don’t like their jokes then they often say, “You can’t take a joke?” If it’s hurting you, listen better, and maybe you need to put some healthy space between you and the one(s) doing this stuff. Being “okay” includes emotional health and not just physical.)

Faithfulness, Treachery
(People who disregard your feelings and you feel unseen or violated when you’re spending time around them would be found in this category.)

Instead of Self Control, some people have Instability
(Constantly causing or being found in turbulence would be people you’ll find here. Also weakness in character is something to notice here.)

You come in contact with people (probably every day) who do not have The Fruits of The Spirit.

Maybe someone has been purposely mean to you (or about you.)

Maybe an event or a person is taking up too much space in your heart and your mind.

Perhaps it’s exactly what you need to focus on and perhaps it’s a distraction keeping you from what God would lead you to do today.

Prayer is where you’ll know what you need to be doing today with the time He gave you.

People show you what they know.
Are you listening well to what people show you about themselves?

Take a breath and read this and think for a few minutes.

Sometimes it’s just not about you. Lay down your SELF for a minute. (This means don’t get offended but just listen because it is not about you. Our world keeps drowning you saying in a hundred ways that you “should” be offended but you actually have a choice in this. You can CHOOSE not to get offended.)

Let this soak in.

Some people have gifts that others just don’t have.

When you spend time getting or staying offended by other people’s behavior it can waste too much of your precious time (that you cannot get back although God is able to redeem even time lost.)

Why are you shocked when people act in unkind ways?

Some people don’t have The Fruits of The Spirit. But instead of realizing this, people spend hours (and weeks and years) holding onto grudges and anger.

Hear me now. The enemy is glad to help you waste your time if you’re holding the anger because it’s a heavy blanket of unforgiveness that he creates just for you to snuggle up to.

God says your job is to let this go. Lay this down in prayer at the feet of Jesus. He tells you to give this to Him in prayer; cast ALL of it onto Him.

When you cast all this junk onto other people it just keeps hurting more people (including yourself.)
But if you’ll recycle it how God says to, you receive blessings including peace.

Some people are not loving.

Some people don’t know God, and I know this because God says if people do know Him then they know love. Some might know ABOUT Him and still not KNOW Him.

If they don’t know Him it’s like you’re asking someone who speaks Chinese to speak French.

Some just don’t know how.

It’s like being mad at someone who reads with their eyes to read a book to you in braille.

Some cannot see what others can see. (I know some physically blind people who can see much better than some who can physically see with their eyes.)

Stop wasting your life being mad or hurt by people who may even be doing this mean stuff on purpose.

People cannot give what they don’t have. (Can you hear me?)

Sometimes people assume you’re doing something against them because it’s how THEY THINK life works.

If you listen better to how people talk and watch their behavior you can begin to see who they are – even if they try to act a different way on the outside.

I don’t know about you but it’s taken a v e r y long time for me to listen better to people and not to try to repaint red flags when someone reveals who he or she is.

Even so… . Compassion goes a long way and if you’ve been given the Fruits of The Spirit then you have been given the extension of God’s grace to share with others. What a wonderful way to choose life!

Let me say it one more time. People don’t know what they don’t know.
This does not give an excuse for them to just run over you. That’s not what I’m saying.

They will be held accountable for how they treat others.

But this list came to me after praying about life for my kids as we all deal with new depths of unkindness every day around us in 2020.

It can be heart-healing when you consider for a minute that it’s not about you.
It’s just not.

Ultimately it’s about Christ and the relationship they have with Him – or don’t have.

You know The Fruits of The Spirit are
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self Control
Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

Have you ever had a business and you told your employees or team to contact you every day?

What happens if they don’t?

God says to pray without ceasing. He wants us to stay in constant contact with Him.

Kind of like a business with some people who don’t represent a company well, sometimes people who call themselves Christians don’t represent Jesus well.

You don’t have to be mad about it. That’s not yours to carry. God sees it all. Don’t get tangled up in that stuff.

You have really important things to do every day for Him and choosing to carry the junk that others try to pile onto you isn’t one of them.

Pressure

We bought an old mirror for about 8 dollars at a thrift store. I securely attached it to the wall, adjusted the placement (twice actually) and a few nights later we had heard a noise but didn’t realize what it was.

The pipes in the walls shake a bit as evident by some sounds, and perhaps also I installed it with some uneven pressure.

Maybe it was both. Don’t know.

Either way the next morning this is what we found.

It was broken.
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This broken mirror happened during some of the most intense pressure in our lives EVER. We have been walking through fire.

There has been judgment without conversation, hate without understanding, gossip without much thought of damage, and yet in the middle of it all God has been providing blessing after blessing in ways we can’t even explain (we pray to some day share in writing.) We will choose to praise Him.

Sometimes it’s not about what happened or an event in life that is the actual heaviest part that threatens to break you.

But the weight of the heavy judgment

from almost everyone –

or sometimes even from just one person – can be SO heavy.

Lay it down. You don’t have to carry this weight.

It’s sad that this is even a thing because the truth is people don’t have to be mad or mean to each other because I will stand before God for my choices and you will stand before Him for yours. This includes the way we treat ourselves and others. Perhaps life is a lot about learning to become more healthy and help other people heal too.

 

AS IF my kids and I had needed a visual aid, this cracked mirror happened right on cue.

Sometimes pressures ON you

(possibly some self-inflicted pressures – in the view of eternity,)

IN you

(stuff you don’t take captive and make obedient to Christ,)

and AROUND you

(happen to you and some have nothing to do with your choices but rather choices that have been made for you,)

in life will either break you and produce curses from your mouth

or refine you and produce praises from your mouth.

It’s so cool (and by Design) that nobody or no thing that happens has the power to take this away from you.

The choice

has always been

and

will always be

only

yours.