Warning: Not a pretty story. MANY ministries are not created out of pretty stories. God takes the ashes and MAKES something beautiful from them.
I am writing this for you, Very Important Person, because you don’t yet know your worth. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than you can imagine.
I think I always knew one day I’d be moved to write this.
This is that day.
I recently heard someone in church mention a girl he knew from childhood who many called Slut.
Immediately I hurt for her, “She’s broken.”
My heart sank hearing grown up people quietly snicker at this mention of a girl who was trapped in this kind of prison.
DON’T THEY KNOW she was held captive there?
DIDN’T THEY KNOW that laughing about her is part of the problem?
DON’T THEY KNOW their gossip etches their own names on the links in the chains that keep her locked up?
I know this prison.
I lived there.
I remember when I was a little girl and I loved life. I climbed way up in the apple trees in my front yard and ate apples right off the trees.
Honeysuckle grew on a nearby fence. I loved that!
I liked playing, and school, and family, and life was fun.
Then it wasn’t.
When I was nine years old I was sexually molested by someone.
I will write more as God leads me to write. This is its own story and would take too many words for today.
This happened from age 9 to age 15.
At age 15 I was raped at church camp.
I didn’t DARE tell ANYbody for years!
After all, I had snuck out to meet this boy at night (but I had NO intentions of more than kissing.)
And I liked him and I thought he liked me and the thought that he wanted to talk to me and maybe kiss a while made my heart beat a little quicker!
Little did I know that this was part of satan’s plan to take me down.
I did not understand at the time that the enemy was afraid of what I could become in Jesus Christ and I did not understand yet that God’s plan of redemption would use this part of my story years later for His Glory.
I did not tell.
I did not even cry.
Who would care about me?
Who would believe me anyway?
Why did I even think he’d want to meet me to talk a while? Silly girl.
Scarlet A? The letter A may as well have been tattooed all over my body.
When I was 15 a boy older than I was invited me to his house for lunch.
Only …his intentions were NOT to have lunch at all.
Also when I was 15 the town pedophile (or rather, one of them) found me.
I must have had a magnet or target or something.
With the enemy searching for someone to devour, it is very likely truth that there was some kind of invisible target on me for me to have found all the trouble I did
for it to have found me.
Someone at school told me that my name was written on the boys’ bathroom wall.
I was 16.
The shock and shame that came with this discovery was something that I did not know how to process.
I guess I could have looked at the bright side; that it said I was GOOD at something. At least the writing was positive in SOME way.
The affection and acceptance I was desperately searching for had me tangled in depravity of sin for years because the enemy’s OH, SO carefully crafted trick to strip my belief that I was ANYthing worthwhile was working.
That enemy is clever.
I kept searching for “love.”
Boys were generous to offer lots of “comfort.”
the world, tv and movies, commercials, books, and most of life taught me that it wasn’t really a big deal to kiss or fool around before marriage as long as you don’t have “sex” sex.
The world is WRONG.
Keeping the marriage bed pure means EVEN BEFORE marriage to keep the marriage bed pure. I cannot IMAGINE what a blessing I would have received if I’d saved all my kisses and all my desire for my husband. And if someone stole something or if we mess up that does NOT mean to KEEP messing up.
OH, if I’d only known my value!
But I did not.
I was the butt of satan’s cruel joke.
And people laughed.
A friend told me about my name on the boys’ bathroom wall.
Jeff Fisher was my hero that day and I will always remember.
He did what nobody else would do.
He opened the bathroom door
And he let me witness as he ERASED MY NAME off that wall.
In that moment
even though he wasn’t aware of how my life had headed this way,
and of course neither of us could know what would happen in the years to come,
he showed me I was worth something.
In THAT moment
Years after that I was raped 3 more times while attending a Christian college. (Quick note: Christian colleges are great! People are the people no matter where we go. Jesus is perfect. People are not.)
That Last Time.
One boy I’d been out with before called me and asked if I’d like to go see a movie.
I smiled! Aww! That’s so sweet.
“Sure! I’d love to go see a movie.”
He likes me?! I’m so excited!
The thing is…
he had NO intention of ever taking me to a movie.
As he raped me in his car,
I didn’t scream.
I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything.
Rivers of tears silently poured down my cheeks.
And I believed
Without a doubt
That I was
I clearly remember lying there in that moment thinking through these words.
“This… is all I’m good for?”
I breathed out as the tears kept falling.
Definition of nothing
- Not anything : no thing
- Someone or something of no interest, value, or importance
I’m certain that if anyone could see that moment in time, they would witness satan dancing on my broken spirit, certain that he’d won, and confident in the belief that his work to bury me forever was complete.
But God says,
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Matthew 5:3
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. John 10:10a
But that old devil forgot the next part of this verse!
I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10b
My God is bigger.
My God is stronger.
My God picked me up and gave me a firm place to stand.
He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit,out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, Psalm 40:1b-3a
Just over 2 years ago God gave me the gift of my confidence back.
I did not even know it was missing.
But the very moment He gave it back I realized it had been stolen with my innocence when I was a little girl of 9 years old.
I did not know to pray for it to be restored because I did not know it had been missing.
I didn’t even know a person could live without something like that.
God restores what has been stolen.
I didn’t know I mattered.
And now, I know the truth.
I don’t have to search anymore for affection or acceptance here in this broken world.
(And neither do YOU.)
My GOD IS ENOUGH.
And THAT’S why I’m here.
That’s why I’m online.
That’s why you’re reading this.
It’s my purpose.
I will spend the rest of my life telling people they matter.
When satan tries to tell you that you’re nothing…
Remember that Jesus did not defeat death for Nothing!
Jesus defeated death for YOU and YOU are VERY SOMETHING.
Think about it this way.
If you didn’t matter so much, WHY would the enemy work so hard to try to keep you down?
My life’s verse
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
My whole purpose in life breaks down into two words.
All the years searching in a thousand ways to find what ONLY God can provide for me has brought me to these two words.
ONLY God can fulfil the emptiness in our broken hearts.
ONLY God can give love like we all desperately crave.
How ever I finally learned this and if my life’s story even only helps ONE person begin to heal and to realize his or her worth, it was worth it to help set another free (even when others don’t get it or laugh.)
For YOU, it’s worth it.
Because you matter.
[Of course there are a hundred other moments that taught me I was nothing and I didn’t mention them all here. That would take WAY too many words.
Each one alone may not have been so devastating.
But all together,
They buried me for about 35 years.
While you may THINK whatever you say or do in a moment won’t hurt someone…
I am living proof that all the moments add up and it IS VERY MUCH a big deal. It was enough to keep me hidden for years. And that’s what the enemy wants; to shut us up.
YOU may not realize it but YOU may be the ONLY person who speaks life into someone all year.
YOUR WORDS MATTER.
GOD SPOKE and created everything. (He could have done this any way He wanted to but He spoke and things happened. That is pretty interesting.)
Your words have power to tear down or to heal.
You can either be part of the problem and keep someone locked in the chains or you can help heal and tell her she matters.
Can’t tell her in person for whatever reason?
That’s okay. Pray for her. GOD is ultimately The One she needs the most anyway; not you (or me) and not boys. Pray for God to reveal His purpose for her and His love for her.
This broken world could use a whole lot more praying and praises
And a WHOLE lot less gossip.]
If you’re not talking with your kids, age appropriately and as-a-matter-of-fact-ly and without sounding embarrassed (much like you’re teaching them how to cook or how to do math or read) SOMEONE ELSE WILL. And they may not teach the beautiful truth about how God made sex to be very good.
Let them know it’s okay to ask questions about ANYTHING.
PLEASE be a safe place for healthy answers with no sarcasm.
[Note to people who say pornography is okay:
Lots of people don’t know their value.
If you’re viewing pornography then you clearly do not value people in the pictures as God intended.
And very likely you do not know your own worth, either.
The world has made it a profession to take what God made to be good and mess it up and then pass it off as no big deal to anyone who will buy into the lies.
The world has taken sex which God made to be beautiful and VERY good and twisted it and corrupted it into pornography.
And pornography has NO place in anyone’s world.
NOTHING you can say will change my mind.
Pornography is NOT love.
Pornography is slavery.
From the “actors” to the producers to the consumers, PORNOGRAPHY is a VERY REAL HELL on Earth and EVERY view supports this prison, whether in print, video, or any other way.
Be careful, little eyes, what you see, for The Father up above is looking down IN LOVE.
TALK to HIM. He’s listening and He breaks chains that keep us from really living.
OH how God LOVES YOU!]
[Note to Dads:
PLEASE hear me.
What you say matters SO much.
What you DON’T say matters SO much.
If you are not giving your daughter healthy, good kind of love that God intended for a father to bless a daughter with, there are LOTS OF BOYS who are GLAD to offer her anything in the name of affection.
If she already knows her worth in God and with you, Dad, she won’t have any need to accept this from the boys.]
-I wrote this from my life’s view. I do know that guys are molested and raped also and I pray God gives them courage to speak out and to heal also.
-Some people told me that I SHOULD hate sex now because of what has happened in my life. What kind of messed up thinking is THAT?! WHY in the world would I want to give the enemy ANY more moments of my time by hating something that God designed to be VERY good? Sex is fun and wonderful when experienced the way God designed it.
-I also know some families do not include Dad for many different reasons. While that is unfortunate in my opinion, there are many father figures who are God-fearing, God-loving men who (may not ever fill Dad’s shoes but) can help heal a girl’s heart.
-And I also know that some dads are not healthy and cannot seem to give love the way God intended. This is most unfortunate. I pray for you now and some day I pray you know how much you matter.
-If you’re mad that I believe dads have so much influence, that’s okay. It’s okay for people to have different opinions. God made man the head of the house. It’s HIS design. Not mine. And He’s big enough for you to question Him about it. Lots of things God designed get messed up when we try to change what He made and make it how we think we want it to be. God made us for different purposes but our souls are equally valuable. Just ask Jesus.
-And YES it’s also VERY important what moms say AND what they don’t say.
-People who are looking for an argument and want to hate on me for writing, God has such a bigger purpose in this life for you. I pray He leads you to find it. And also, you matter.]
[MOST IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you have been molested or raped,
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.]