When I Was Nine

I have 7 days. Again. I already fought this. Now here I am again.
[…update: Last week I was told I have 7 days. Yesterday I was told I have 15 days to get a note. (My doctor won’t write one.) Today I was told I have no days even if any doctor would write one, but that I’m to apply for a leave of absence. If you have healthy, respectable jobs that do not require a mask or covering over faces or heads, please send a message. I’m looking for a job to help provide for my family. Thank you.]

For some insanity reason… when did people not become “enough” to speak for ourselves? I am so exhausted of people telling other people that they aren’t enough. It happens every day in all kinds of ways.

If I can’t find a doctor (…or legal professional or counselor or policeman or preacher or scientist) to write a note saying I am not able to wear a mask or face shield or anything else over my face then I have 7 days and my employer said I likely won’t have a job.

I wish I knew the law to be able to write for myself.

I feel helpless all over again.

There are things that happened to me when I was younger. Because of 7 years of molestation starting when I was 9 years old and rape that happened 4 times between the ages of 15 (the year the molestation stopped, by the way) and age 23 I am not able to wear something over my face.

It sounds so clinical when I see it written in a couple sentences like that.

Almost like it wasn’t a lifetime of a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

But it’s not insignificant.

It’s my life.

Some people say that everything that happened to you in life is a result of your choices but that’s just a cover for their ignorance because they are trying to place blame and trying to feel better about something in your life that they don’t know what to do with. This harmful way of thinking just adds weight on top of already impossible, heavy situations.

I’m not as sure what to think about “stranger danger” but I’m very alert now to to classmate, boyfriend, extended family, church friends, and co-worker awareness.

Some choices are made for you.

And what you do with those circumstances is what will show what you’re made of and who you are (and also Whose you are.)

It is clear that after talking with my current doctor, although he, himself, is not wearing something over his face for his shifts at work and neither do his employees, he isn’t helping in this. But even if he was wearing something over his face for hours it’s likely he isn’t fighting the same battles if the same kinds of things that happened to me didn’t happen to him.

Even so, some similar things affect different people differently.

Why the world tries to fit us all into one tiny box doesn’t make sense. God is wise enough to have created us each in such incredibly unique ways.

People try to measure each other and compare each other and judge and decide each other’s life…

That’s not what we are supposed to be doing; comparing.

What a terrible way to spend this life; measuring people.

What even is that? It’s not from God.

My 17 year marriage has ended because of things I need to write some other time. In fact, when I look back it never started. If you don’t know about narcissistic abusive relationships – because of enduring one – then you won’t understand no matter what I say anyway. But if you have endured one (maybe more) of these, then you are not alone. There are thousands who will understand. Email me. I see you. And I will pray with you for help.

The child support ends this month and I need a job where I can focus and don’t feel absolutely terrified for having my face covered. My health insurance apparently was just turned off by my former husband on top of all the other things going on.

This looks hopeless.

I will admit…. Everywhere I turn it looks hopeless.

I’ve been at this place called hopeless before.

But our God is so big.

I know NONE of what’s going on right now is a surprise to Him.

He gives hope.

And my kids and I have seen Him provide time after time.

My heart rate and tears and shaking body from the anxiety of trying to work with my face covered are enough to make me throw up. I just cannot do it.

People don’t know what they don’t know.

Praise God that He extends grace to us to give to others even when they speak out of ignorance.

And people who find some things tougher than others ….well that doesn’t mean people (like me) are weaker in some way. In fact, if I wasn’t as tough as I am I wouldn’t have made it this far in this world.

I am constantly reminded that our prayers need to be about soft hearts and to be Warriors.

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. Matthew 10:16

Please would you just lift my family up in prayer right now?

I’ll wait here.

Even though my small paycheck isn’t much it’s been able to help us have a place to live. We are okay moving (and we believe we are soon) but I’ve also prayed a lot and searched a lot about apartments and houses to rent and that has only proven to cost more.

I’m constantly asking, seeking, and knocking.

I am praying to work online and in people’s lives every day to help others out of similar situations as my kids and I have known. This has already been happening and I’m praying for it on another level. We do believe are to be packing in faith to move into a trailer and on to Alaska soon.

If you build travel trailers or trucks or believe in this ministry we feel called to of offering safety to girls who need to get out of sex-trafficking and into safe places to live and new jobs and new hope, then please email me.

I have some in common with sex-trafficked survivors. So to go walk through life beside people who have been through some things seems not so far out of an idea. I know that God uses ALL things for good for those who love Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 (My favorite Verse when I was a little girl – such a long time ago.)

We are praying for a new truck and travel trailer and the ferry ride to move from Washington to Alaska to build tiny homes for people to stay in for a while to be able to breathe and begin healing. Also if you pray and you feel you can help build the tiny homes, please email me. itisallaboutfaithblog@gmail.com

As silly as that may sound …. All I know is God gives dreams and visions. And God rewards faith.

Please pray for us.

Prayer is where IT’S at.

I’m weary from fighting battles that I wish with all my heart I didn’t have to fight.

I feel like I’ve been fighting the same fight for air that started when I was 9.

Or at least I became aware of this battle when I was 9.

Though it started way before that as the enemy calculated the ways to try to end my life.

EVEN SO I will still be praising my God in the middle of it all. Out loud – because He is my God.

This world is not my Home. I am just passing through.

Hey Beautiful Survivor,

If you’re still reading this, I see you.

And the things you have endured (and maybe never even said out loud) are some things that others probably wouldn’t have endured.

You are so important and if you weren’t then this life wouldn’t feel so very impossible.

The enemy is SO AFRAID of what you can become in Jesus.

You want to make this a fight of flesh and blood. But it’s not. It’s spiritual with the powers of darkness.

The enemy is AFRAID OF what YOU can truly become. -the movie King’s Faith

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

It’s a very good time to stay in prayer and fight on your knees. You are not alone.

No friend can open a door that God has closed to redirect you.

But no enemy can close a door that God opens for you.

[Author Note:

If you have anything negative to say here then go away and click the “unfriend button.”

I am needing prayers and support and empathy.

If you don’t have those to offer please go away. I’m learning that finding who is for me and who is against me is a blessing in disguise. It is okay for you to go.]

 

Dear Lonely Woman,

Dear Lonely Woman,

I see you.

I have some idea why you’re sorrow runs so deep.

Your sadness and your pain matter.

How you feel about what has happened in your life matters.

What you do and what you think matter too.

The things and people you try to grasp and hold onto are never going to fill that empty longing in your soul.
But I know a Guy who can.

Stop trying to get something from things or people who are NOT EVEN EQUIPPED to give it.
But I know a Guy who is.

You think nobody can possibly know the battles you’ve been faced with.
But I know a Guy who does.

So you can exhale.

Because He KNOWS you

AND

He ADORES you.

Only ONE promises AND can give you the Real fulfillment you’re dying to know.

He wants to spend every day with you.
He will never say you’re too clingy. He says, “Cling to ME!”

He will never say you are not enough to hold his attention. He says, “I laid down My life for you BECAUSE you matter more than anything.”

He will never say, “Go away,” with his words or his actions.
But instead He only says, “Come to ME.”

He wants to get one on One quality time with YOU.

Why do you think the circumstances of your life leave you feeling so lonely?

He is confident that HE is THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN fulfill your most intimate need to be wanted and to be loved.

HE will NEVER leave you.

Talk with Him.

And keep talking.

I’ll help you start.

“Dear God, thank You. Thank you for the emptiness so that I can find You.
You are MORE than enough for me.
Show me my value that is in You alone and please reveal my purpose ONLY You can give me. Please heal me because of what has happened in my life and remind me that my true value is found ONLY in You. Please forgive me for searching in a hundred other places for the True Love that ONLY You are capable of giving me. In Jesus’ Holy Name, I ask _______________…”

She bought an extra ticket on faith that God would show her who to take to the next conference.

He led her to me.

Her name is Jennifer Drake Johnston.

We met because a mutual friend, Dalana Squires, invited me to join Ten For Him. I’ve just got to tell you about this real quick. Ten women get together 10 times; once a month over a period of 10 months. We each bring $10 each time and we draw a name of someone in the group. This person takes the $100 and gives it as God leads her for that month. Then we meet again and she gives her testimony about how God led her to give. Check out Ten For Him here. http://tenforhim.com/about/ [Note: I do not own or have rights to this video in any way.]  Praise God for Sara Atchley Wierman, the Founder of Ten for Him! God is working in powerful ways with this great ministry.

Jennifer told me she bought an extra ticket in faith a year ago that God would show her the right person to take to a conference. She asked a few people. Then she asked me if I’d like to go with her for the weekend.  I couldn’t have known how great this pink conference would impact my life.

Prayer is powerful.

I almost never go out of town (and I’m really fine with that.) I love being home with my family. I told her I’d pray about it. I remember wondering how my kids and husband would be while I’m gone for a couple days. Would they miss me? Would they notice I was gone? Would they like a break from me? (More about this later.)

I went with her to the Pink Impact conference at a church building. WOW! The energy, smiling faces, lights, beautiful food and Frappuccinos were all wonderful. The speakers spoke God’s message to me in a way I hadn’t heard before. I’ve been raised in church and it’s been a long time since I heard scriptures in a new way.

At lunch she led me to a room that had been prepared just for her church group and I was invited since I was her guest. This was a kids’ worship area that had been transformed into a girlified, fun, ladies’ luncheon room complete with flowers, dim lighting, pretty centerpieces, gum, tissues, perfumes, chocolates, and more.

I couldn’t help but think about how Jesus has gone to prepare a place – just for us – and how amazing that will be! We are ALL invited.

It was such a blessing to hear from these great speakers; Lisa Bevere, Elaine Fisher, Charlotte Gambill, Blynda Lane, Debbie Morris, Tim Ross, and Lindsay Huckins was the Emcee for the weekend.

Thank you ALL for God’s message through you guys! Please DO tell me if I’ve missed anyone because every one of you matters and I thank each of you for the messages you shared!

EVERY speaker brought the Bible scriptures to life in a way I’d never heard them. I’ve been in church for 45 years. I haven’t heard scriptures brought to life in this practical way in many years.

We got to hear a message from Christine Caine (via video.) She founded the A21 Campaign, an anti-human trafficking organization that fights slavery around the globe, doing amazing work rescuing girls who have been trapped in the dark world of sex trafficking. This work is especially dear to my heart for many reasons and I believe God will be using my family to help with this same type of work in Wasilla, Alaska, as God leads us to open and care for a homeless teen place. So knowing the work God is leading us to start, it was absolutely incredible to get to hear from someone God’s already put in place doing this same healing work. I needed to mention this because it reminds me how God is a detail God and this was the first time I’d ever heard about Christine Caine.

We heard from Roma Downey (via video.) We listened to Patricia Heaton (via video) and worshipped with Gateway Worship and Kari Jobe. There were many talented musicians and singers (and if I knew all the names I’d be glad to add them here.) You guys made the weekend even more powerful. Thank you so much!

We got to see performances by Dance Revolution, Founded by Michelle Brogan. (OH how I’d LOVE to dance with them some time! Probably Hip Hop would be my preference!) And we were blessed to listen to Amick and Cassie Byram and their beautifully blended voices.

~If I have left out names, please email me and I’m glad to add them. This was a life-touching, relaxing, lovely weekend and I was honored to get to be a part of it. I know there are hundreds more who invested time, money, sweat, tears, and prayers to put this weekend together. Thank you to ALL of you!~

We were lifted, empowered, prayed over, loved on, and had time to just breathe and enjoy being women.

Jennifer had reserved a room at a nearby hotel for us. Cozy beds, great food, fun conversation, and getting to learn more about each other’s pasts just added to this amazing weekend. There were many other Pink Impact ladies staying in the hotel also.

When we had checked in when we first arrived at the church building we had been given a folder with a fun ice breaker game and the instructions said to get a signature from a woman who matched the description and she was to sign next to it.  There were many hundreds of women so we had to talk and meet new people a lot to get all 50 thousand (not really) questions answered.  There would be prizes for the first several people who turned these papers in.  Fun!

The game said things like:

Find someone who has a dog with a human name. _____

You’ve attended 3 or more Pink Impact conferences. _____

You can wiggle your ears. ____

Find someone who has taken tap or ballet dance lessons. ____

(…and so on…)

On the 2nd morning of the conference one young lady and I were the only two people in the hotel elevator. The elevator conversation was quick and unusual. I broke the silence, “I can wiggle my ears. Can you tap dance?” She replied, “No.” This totally broke the never-speak-in-elevators-to-people-you-don’t-know-because-it’s-awkward rule. (It may remain my favorite elevator conversation ever.)  [I always wondered why I could wiggle my ears.  Question answered.]

At the end of the conference they announced they were giving each woman a gift. This beautiful gift was a white, soft, cozy, thick, terry cloth robe.

A detail I didn’t mention yet: My oldest daughter had been asking for a terry cloth robe for a few months. (I kept not putting this in the budget for whatever reasons so I hadn’t bought her one yet.) We don’t try to make things “even” at our house (i.e. if one child gets a gift, the other child usually does too, but we decide based upon their individual desires and not on money amounts) but I secretly and deeply wished I could get a second robe for my youngest daughter.

THIS is another way that God shows me He is a detail God.

Jennifer and I had each received a Frappuccino the night before and she really enjoyed hers. I still had mine and I didn’t want to waste it and somehow a natural conversation led to me saying I really didn’t care for Frappuccinos that much and she was delighted to take mine! She admitted while the white robe was very beautiful she probably wouldn’t wear it and she gave it to me for my youngest daughter!

Talk about God being in the details! He just IS!

 

God uses people to connect with others every day on purpose and for a purpose. Someone may be praying a prayer over you today and you may not even know it for a year.

Maybe all you need to do today is pray about life, get up, and show up.

~

Thank you, Jennifer Drake Johnston, for leading our Ten For Him group, for praying about me when you didn’t even know me yet, and thank you for the life-changing weekend at a conference I knew nothing about before I went. I pray God’s blessings follow you and that you are blessed many times more for blessing others the way you do! MUCH love in Him, Kerri

Thank you, Jennifer, for inviting me to this:  https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KIo9gEgyhUX2AA.oT7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTB2aXRwZjhkBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDVjE3NgRncG9zAzM-?p=pink+impact+2014+gateway+church&vid=d655647c910acc9e5d3c8e11d78b04b4&l=1%3A37&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts4.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DVN.608020644744004799%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fvimeo.com%2F96726986&tit=%3Cb%3EPink+Impact+2014+%3C%2Fb%3E-+Conference+B+Highlights&c=2&sigr=10p9137pd&sigt=11hlpbrnb&age=0&fr=mcafee&tt=b [Note: I do not own or have rights to this video in any way.]

~

Want to hear about the icing (as if the weekend, itself, wasn’t sweet enough already?)

When I returned home I was the blessed mom and wife of 3 love notes. SWEET!! They DID miss me! (That is, they missed me until it was back to regular life the next week. lol. Oh, well. I have some notes so I can read them again and remember they actually DO like my help as a mom and wife.) They gave me permission to share these great notes. It is easy to look past spelling errors. (I’d much rather have love notes from their hearts than for them not to want to write to me because I correct their grammar and spelling when they give me sweet notes.)  [Too sweet and amazing NOT to mention;  Today I found out the love notes were actually my husband’s idea!  How cool is that?  God is surely alive and prayer is powerful!]

Letter 1 2 Letter 3 2 Letter 2 2Letter 2 b 2 2

God bless you and thank you for reading.

 

 

[Please Note: We don’t try to make things “even” at our house when it comes to gifts (and that’s okay.  We love our girls and they both feel loved by us.)  Every family has different opinions on gift giving. Please do not send me yucky notes about it. This is how OUR family gives gifts. This doesn’t mean if you do things a different way that it’s wrong or right. I’d love to talk about it but I won’t read or respond to hate mail. I’d love to hear how your family chooses the gift giving process and what that looks like at your house.]