It’s okay if you don’t read this.
I didn’t even know I was writing this out loud until my fingers started typing.
If you’re going to read it, read all of it and don’t just decide you know what I’m saying by skimming or stopping.
I never cared about Alaska until God did this thing in me. When anyone would ask me where I wanted to go if I could go anywhere in the world, I never had an answer.
Now, my heart has been transplanted into Alaska for the past 7 years already.
This is not actually a blog post about divorce but I’m going to say a minute about it so hang on.
If you came here to argue, Beautiful You, there’s just no room for that today. Maybe we can talk about that another time. I’m glad you’re passionate. What you think is important to me but I’m not here to debate. Lord knows, that’s what my marriage was; a debate.
And I’m quite tired of that, to be honest. God surely has bigger things for you to do with your life than to spend it in debate. I believe this with all my heart.
When I was a little girl and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I said “a wife and mommy.” I’ve been a wife, twice. And I’m wondering if perhaps single is more of a blessing than I could have ever understood before. I believe people who have been divorced can speak on divorce, just as people who have been through other things can better speak on what experiences they have known. While God says He hates divorce, God does NOT hate divorced people, and when people go through stuff, whatever it is, you WILL find who cares for you and who actually does not. There’s blessing in that.
Anyway, when I answered the grown ups, they always, without fail, would tilt their heads, look at me and say, “NO. What do you want to BE?”
As if…. being a mom is not enough?… I didn’t understand it. Being a mom IS a calling and being a mom IS enough.
After many years I realized they were asking what paying job I wanted.
But even beyond being a mom to my 2 strong, warrior girls, I feel God is going to give me a place where I’m a mom figure to many who need one in this Alaska homeless place He’s had my heart already living at for the past 7 years.
When kids tell us what they want to be when they grow up maybe, just maybe, they actually KNOW more than the grown ups around them are able to hear.
I can’t help but wonder if we listened better to them, and prayed more constantly over them as they grow, and if we focus on their God-given talents and strengths (instead of hiding the talents and focusing on weaknesses by trying to keep a grade point average of above a C, which is for another blog post another day. Don’t get lost being mad at me for saying so because there’s so much more to talk about and discover.) …HOW INCREDIBLE this place would look if people all lived out their calling and not what others said they “should” be doing?
(Hiding talents. I’ve read about that somewhere.)
This is what I’m saying.
Some people who have read this blog a while and who have been praying for my family and ministry don’t know my current situation. Some know a little.
I’m not hiding. In fact, I know He is using it all. For sure God keeps helping me find more healthy boundaries. I believe Him when He says He uses ALL things for good for those who are called according to His purpose.
My favorite Verse growing up was Romans 8:28 And we know that God works ALL THINGS together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. (emphasis, mine.)
When I started writing today this is where I was.
I feel like I have received a Master’s Degree in deciphering messages. I know that may sound silly – but it’s not. When you go through stuff you learn; not just in a school classroom setting.
And sometimes what looks like a fail isn’t a fail at all. In the world view, lots of things LOOK like a fail but in the view of Eternity you maybe learned exactly what you needed to learn to fulfill what you were created for.
Just for a second think about this.
Sometimes a job, even if you were there for about a minute or for 20 years, teaches you how to deal with co-workers or supervisors in a better way.
But if the job ends, people tell you “too bad that didn’t work out.”
Who said so?
Maybe it worked out very well and just how it needed to and you learned just exactly what you were supposed to learn.
People get mad when “the band breaks up.” But what if the band was for a season? What if the band wasn’t even supposed to be together in the first place? What if God actually hadn’t brought them together? Or what if the band WAS supposed to be together and then it was truly time to do the next thing? (I’m literally talking about bands here and not marriage so do not crucify for what you THINK I may be saying. I have lots more to say about divorce and remarriage but that will be another day.)
People are constantly – and loudly – upset about things that other people do that don’t even really affect their lives anyway.
Stop persecuting people for trying to figure out this thing called life.
If only God would use messed up people in messy situations…. oh wait, He does.
It’s time to shut out all the noise and stay in prayer. God’s got this and He has a reason in every lesson.
Here it is.
For the past 18 years… or rather, for the past lot longer than that actually, I’m learning to listen better with ears to hear. (I may be slower than some but am finding I’m finally learning to listen better to what is actually being said; for example, if someone says “I love you” with words but “Get away from me” with actions. I do not feel like I’ve missed out on anything but I get that this also sounds silly because it was 18 years of Groundhog Day and 50 First Dates of nonsense, truly.) I was an easy target.
In a few weeks, I will be divorced. Again.
(Guys, by the time someone is divorcing, you can stop yelling at them telling them they’re “doing it all wrong!” A wife is to submit to her husband and to God but the husband’s moods should not BE her God. AND the husband is to submit to God and also cherish and love his wife AS Christ loves the church. People often, way way – way – too often, hold the wife accountable and the husband – not so much. Another day I’ll be glad to listen to you talk about this if you get stuck here. But not today.)
I feel like if anything, God is making it clear that I’M NOT the one doing the work He’s put on my heart and that by the time He brings me there, that place where visions catch up to real time, it will be clear to anyone watching my life that I’ve been discredited more than enough and yet all of it will be for God’s glory, and not happening by my appearances and CERTAINLY NOT by my ability.
When I’m weak, He is strong.
I read that somewhere.
I’ve been married for 7 years, a single mom for a year. Now married for over 18 years and a single mom again for the past year (as we’ve been separated by my request and need for healthy space.)
The first divorce there was loneliness and sorrow like I can’t explain.
But this (marriage and) divorce has been loneliness, fear, and hopelessness and begging God to find mercy on me.
And He surely has.
I haven’t ever told anyone yet but now at this time I am.
In FOUR of the recurring dreams and visions (I can think of right now) my almost former husband was not in any of them. I didn’t think much of this a few years ago but now it makes more sense to me. I’m not saying God caused or didn’t cause things to happen or not happen but that He is MORE than able to give us insight any time He chooses to.
The more isolated and lonely you feel the more alone time you can have with Him. There’s SUCH blessing in that.
There was the one recurring dream with the many, many white doors, which is where the girls and I stayed for a few days in August 2017 when we took some space away for 3 weeks (then we were back for 6 months; it did not get better but worse and we fasted and prayed to get out. God still is our Deliverer.) I walked through that place almost throwing up because the confirmation was so loud.
Then there was a recurring dream with a specific thing about the windows… which is where we are now. And when I was awake I knew it wasn’t Alaska yet but I just knew it felt good to be there. I kept calling this one “the feel good place.” I kind of brushed it off because I knew it wasn’t Alaska yet. But here we are waiting.
Then there was the dream about the white posts and a yellow tent which I am wondering if it’s the ferry but haven’t seen that one yet in awake life. I’ll get back to you on this when it happens if you care to hear.
And then there is the one where I’m standing in the campsite of the Alaska homeless place God’s put on my heart and I believe where He’s leading us in the future.
I didn’t think anything about my almost former husband not being in any of those dreams and visions until last year.
And though I’ve grieved a thousand tears a thousand times over it’s not because I felt loved and lost a love. It’s because I (my kids along with me) was stuck in a bad place (putting it gently) and was trying to make it work the best I ever could because some day I will have to stand alone and face my God with my choices; all of them, and I can, knowing I truly feel I gave all I had to this marriage except my last breath.
A relationship should not be a battlefield but mine was; all the way back to the beginning… we’ve had too many fights and some should have been a wake up call to me but I knew many people would turn their backs on me if I divorced. Until I could bear the weight of all the judgment and it was lighter than the weight of the daily atmosphere of hostility, I couldn’t go. But it was either my body is going to shut off permanently or I must get out.
But over the years I just kept thinking “well it’s marriage so it’s supposed to work.”
But sometimes… it just doesn’t.
And you know what? God STILL shows up. He STILL uses things that appear to be broken.
But maybe it’s not so broken after all. He is THE Author of time. And He still restores what’s been stolen. My kids and I have seen Him show up day after day after day in such amazing ways since we no longer put a person’s moods first and we are not fighting a daily constant fight in our own home living out our faith about Alaska.
People may think what they want to but our faith is as strong as ever and God is with us. This, we know. And, OH, my kids! My kids have learned SO much about relationships and what healthy things to look for. If I’d known what they know at 16 and 21, WOW! (But I maybe would be writing a very different article. Only God knows that.)
Anyway, just saying there’s blessing in what looks like a mess.
When I first started telling people about Alaska (November 2013) and this vision God revealed to me, people came out of – everywhere – for over a week (maybe longer) saying the same thing:
“It’s not going to happen like you think it will.”
I’ve never heard that so much before (or after) in my whole life.
People I didn’t even talk with before would just walk up to me and within a minute said those words.
I was like, “What in the world?!” “I don’t even have an idea of how this homeless place will look, Lord, so why are all these people bringing this to me? Even so, I’m listening.”
And NOW I can’t count the number of people I’ve met and I have the phone numbers of police, domestic violence counselors, mediators, attorneys, house inspectors, architects, mental health counselors, teachers, construction guys, financial girls, and the list goes on.
When people asked me demanding an answer, “You …and what army? You and what army are going to do this work in Alaska?!”
All I know is that we see God providing all we need to do this work.
And though I may not have known He was doing this before 7 years ago, I believe it’s actually purpose He wrote into me when He knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
My answer is simple. Me and His army, I guess. He’s got my attention and I have to follow Him.
I counted the cost and the cost was high.
If I was leaning on my own understanding I could buy a ticket and go straight to Alaska this week, but I feel that we’re still supposed to wait on Him in the Bellingham area for now (like I felt we were supposed to wait in Texas a while after we had packed the boxes.)
So, we will wait.
….Lookin’ like a fool like the date He put on my heart, April 1st.
And when He says go –
we will go.
And I say all this because I can’t help but wonder this one more thing…
What did He knit into you?
I pray you share about all the trials and all the things that people think were bumps in the road but that were actually moments God was bringing you closer to the purpose He created you for.
And don’t worry if some will judge you. Give yourself permission to let that go now. Because there will ALWAYS be some who waste their precious time doing that. But, Beautiful You, you have (SO much) more important things to do than to get distracted about that.
He will test you.
He will stretch you.
Make no mistake, He already believes in you. I believe with you, and you can believe in what He’s calling you to. (THAT already is a cord of three!)
ALL THE TIME
He wants you to know where you put your hope; in a place, person, business, school, health, church, money, hoping others will finally notice what you’re capable of?
Or is your hope in HIM?